Melissa McClure’s husband asked if it was a midlife crisis.
No she told him: “I’m wide awake to the possibility of what my life can be and it doesn’t include you.”
McClure wasn’t sleeping well. She had hot flashes. Her husband’s loud chewing sent her into a rage. His negative attitude bothered her and she no longer felt appreciated as a wife and stepmother.
They’d been together for 14 years, but perimenopause made her realize she wanted a divorce.
“We spend our entire adult lives taking care of our husbands or partners and children. We give so much of ourselves to other people as nurturers that we lose ourselves in the process,” says the photographer, 44. “It wasn’t a midlife crisis, but an awakening.”
Do I want a divorce or is this menopause? It’s a question resonating with women in midlife, when hormones are changing as their stress is increasing – kids moving out and parents moving in and careers often at their peak.
While divorce rates overall are dropping, divorce among adults 50 and older is increasing. In 1990, almost one in 10 of all divorces in the United States occurred among adults 50 and older. By 2019, that percentage had grown to almost one in four, according to a study done by Bowling Green State University’s National Center for Family and Marriage Research. This coincides with a time most women go through perimenopause and menopause.
The Menodivorce is rising.
Menopause and perimenopause (the time before it) aren’t new, of course, but more doctors are recognizing it and treating women. More women are recognizing its symptoms and saying it can bring clarity: their patience is gone and they are finally prioritizing their own needs. And often that means no longer wanting to be married.
Seven in 10 women blame perimenopause or menopause for the breakdown of their marriage according to a survey conducted in the UK by the Family Law Menopause Project and Newsom Health Research and Education.
McClure ended her marriage three years ago and says she is happier than ever.
I love my husband, but I hate him
While most women say many factors led to their divorce, they often say perimenopause or menopause made them unable to tolerate problems they had ignored.
“I hear it from patients every week,” says Dr. Sameena Rahman, an OB-GYN and sex and menopause specialist in Chicago. “They might still love their husbands or partners but they also hate them and no longer can put up with things they had been putting up with.”
Perimenopausal and menopausal women can experience a range of symptoms from lack of sex drive to restless sleep at the same time that their life may become increasingly stressful with raising children and managing demanding careers, Rahman says. Perimenopause often starts around 40 and menopause around 50.
Many women say they no longer can carry the majority of the mental load.
“Our hormones give us this protection to accommodate other people. When those start shifting there is a lot of built up resentment. Women have been busy taking care of everyone and now they have to take care of themselves,” says Mandi Dixon, a therapist for women in midlife in the Dallas area. “And this is a time when they may decide the relationship is just no longer worth it.”
For years men have blamed divorce on menopause and said women are irritable and irrational, says Alyx Coble-Frake, founder of The Agenda, an app that helps women track their menstrual cycle to help increase productivity.
“We hear this narrative from men. My wife is crazy,” she says. “But that’s not it. Women are gaining clarity in perimenopause and that clarity tells them to leave if things aren’t good.”
Katy Viva got divorced last year after 24 years of marriage and raising three children.
“While the kids were growing up, there was always something. Basketball, hockey, volleyball, gymnastics. You spend 15 to 20 years getting three people to three different places. You don’t really have time to stop and reflect on what is the status of your relationship,” says Viva, 53, who lives in Pittsburgh. “Once the kids are done with that kind of thing, you step back and realize: I’m married to someone I don’t want to be married to anymore.”
Viva says menopause left her tired and irritable. “I don’t know if it caused the divorce. But I will say that menopause made me unwilling to put up with the bullshit anymore,” Viva says. “Life is too long. Not too short. I’ve got time left in me and I don’t want to spend it with someone that I don’t respect who doesn’t love me.”
Menopausal women are often misdiagnosed: This mom was told she had depression and put on an SSRI.
Did she want a divorce or was it perimenopause?
For some women, getting help for their symptoms improves their relationships. They feel better and can have better with their partner about changes such as decreased sex drive, fatigue and irritability.
Dixon says that sometimes perimenopause forces conversations where men can step up and become better partners.
When Donna Hofmeister first started going through perimenopause, she no longer felt like herself.
“It takes a toll on your relationship – not having sex, feeling tired, gaining weight,” says Hofmeister, 55. “You can’t help it and you don’t know why.”
Hofmeister eventually got hormone therapy and helped her husband understand what she was experiencing. “He’s a wonderful guy. He wanted me to feel better but didn’t know what to do,” she says. “It puts such a strain on your relationship. But taking about it helped. It’s what got us through.”
The majority of women who had not received support or treatment for menopause said that if they had, it would have had a positive impact on their relationship and potentially avoided the breakdown of their marriage, according to the 2022 UK study.
How to survive perimenopause
Get help. Don’t go through perimenopause without proper guidance. Talk to your medical provider about options including hormone therapy.
“Push to make sure you are getting what you need,” says Annie Vovan, a former pharmacist and life coach for midlife women in Southern California.
Some women delayed treatment or skipped it because a 2002 Women’s Health Initiative (WHI) study linked hormone therapy to slightly higher risks of breast cancer, heart attack and stroke in postmenopausal women. It was later found that the risks were mostly found in women who were older when they started hormone therapy.
A new push by doctors and researchers on a Food and Drug Administration panel have pushed the agency to remove what they say are outdated warnings on topical menopause treatments that contain estrogen. Now such medications contain a warning of the possibility of breast cancer, and that they aren’t to be used to prevent cardiovascular disease or dementia, and that it increases the risk of strokes, blood clots and probable dementia.
Hormone therapy is the most effective treatment for menopause, and is the first recommendation, according to the North American Menopause Society.
Involve your partner. Bring them to a medical appointment or share a menopause guide for men. “If you want to stay in this. It’s not up to women to change everything. For men, it’s their job to step up and learn about this,” Coble Frank says.
Lean on friends. Talk about what you are experiencing, says. McClure says. She says her friends now know she is open to talking about perimenopause community can be supportive. She suggests they go to therapy and talk about options for treatment for their perimenopause. “They know that asking for the divorce was hard,” she says. “But I’m happier than ever.”
Laura Trujillo is a national columnist focusing on health and wellness. She is the author of “Stepping Back from the Ledge: A Daughter’s Search for Truth and Renewal,” and can be reached at [email protected].
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: See why more women are divorcing during menopause.
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