Look out, daters: There’s a new toxic relationship trend taking the romantic world by storm.
It’s called “Banksying,” and it derives its name from the elusive street artist Banksy, known for art that seems to pop up out of nowhere and often comes with a cryptic twist.
Like a baffling Banksy art piece, “Banksying” in a relationship involves slowly withdrawing emotionally from your partner, without telling them that’s what you’re doing. When the time comes to finally break up, the “Banksy-er” often feels better, having mentally checked out of the relationship long ago, while the other partner is left blindsided and confused.
When someone “Banksies,” they start to destroy the relationship before the other person sees it coming. Some of Banksy’s art has famously self-destructed − like one painting that made headlines for shredding itself after selling at auction for $1.4 million.
Amy Chan, a dating coach and the author of “Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart,” says “Banskying” has been happening for a while − it just has a trendy name now. The solution, she says, is to practice open and honest communication, even when doing so feels uncomfortable.
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“‘Banksying’ happens more now, especially with the proliferation of dating apps, where people have developed poor dating etiquette,” Chan says. “The person withdrawing gets the ability to process the breakup on their own terms, before they hand the memo to the other person who ends up being in total shock. It’s selfish. It shows a lack of emotional maturity and a way of dealing with conflict that is rooted in avoidance.”
Where did ‘Banksying’ come from?
Emma Hathorn, a relationship expert at Seeking.com, says “Banksying” leaves daters feeling stressed, confused and gaslit. Often the person on the receiving end can sense something is wrong, but their partner keeps assuring them everything is fine.
“Banksying is something that we have all experienced at one point or another,” Hathorn says. “Previously, there hasn’t been a way to express that subtle feeling of dread when a partner has begun to pull away, essentially icing us out. Emotionally manipulative, emotionally distant – there are plenty of ways that people have tried to define it.”
What makes “Banksying” so painful, Chan says, is its ambiguity. At least when someone ghosts, it’s clear they’ve abandoned the relationship. With “Banksying,” however, people are often left in the dark, wondering if the relationship is actually solid or if their concerns about it are justified.
“They might not be using their words to tell you – but their actions are,” Chan says. “They might lie and say everything is ‘fine’ but you also have to exert that you’re not ‘fine’ because you can pick up the cues of emotional distance. Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking it’s OK to sweep the cold behavior under the rug just because they’re saying everything is fine, but acting in a way that’s completely the opposite.”
In case you missed: People are paying thousands for ‘dating boot camp’ with sex experts. I signed up.
What does ‘Banksying’ say about us?
Ultimately, the prevalence of “Banksying” further shows how the skills of dating − as well as the skills of breaking up − have degraded in recent years.
“It does highlight how conflict-avoidant people have become,” Chan says. “It seems like there’s less of an ability to tolerate uncomfortable emotions and hard conversations, so instead of dealing with the relationship challenges, or feeling the guilt of a breakup, people end up causing more harm by dragging things out.”
Have you heard of ‘relation-shopping’? It might be why you’re still single.
The solution? Instead of Banksying, tell the person you’re dating how you really feel. It’s not the easy thing to do, but it is the right thing to do.
“Modern dating is in desperate need of blunt honesty,” Hathorn says. “Being upfront, firm but polite shows that you know what you want and are unwilling to waste your time and a potential partner’s time.”
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: ‘Banksying’ is a toxic new dating trend. What is it?
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