Emotions are a fundamental part of what make us human. They can be overwhelming, complicated or quiet — but we experience at least one emotion 90 percent of the time, according to a 2015 study that examined the emotional lives of more than 11,000 people.
This finding doesn’t shock Ethan Kross, the director of the Emotion and Self-Control Laboratory at the University of Michigan, who has been studying the science of emotion for over two decades.
What did surprise him, however, were results from another study, which found that about 40 percent of participants believed that you can’t control your emotions.
“I was really floored,” Dr. Kross said. “If you don’t even think it is possible to manage your emotions, why would you ever try to do it?”
He contends that emotions, even negative ones, are information, and that we can often find ways to make them work for us. It’s not possible to control every part of our emotional lives, said Dr. Kross (who admits that he sometimes still feels fear before he has to speak publicly). But people who are good at managing their feelings, he said, are less lonely, live longer, maintain more fulfilling romantic relationships and are more satisfied with their lives.
His new book, “Shift: Managing Your Emotions — So They Don’t Manage You,” provides a blueprint for navigating the emotional curveballs that life throws at us every day.
You don’t always have to ‘process’ your emotions.
The prevailing wisdom in therapy and on social media is that we should face negative emotions head on — and that if we don’t, they will fester inside of us, Dr. Kross writes.
There’s no doubt that coping with stressful situations through chronic avoidance is harmful and can lead to more psychological distress, he said. But the trouble with the “avoidance is toxic” argument is that it assumes that all avoidance is bad, he explained.
Sometimes, it’s best not to choose between approaching or avoiding, but to shift between the two intentionally, he said. Avoidance can allow the intensity of a negative experience to diminish, and it can provide distance that helps us see the experience from a broader perspective, he explained.
How can you figure out whether to avoid or to confront your feelings? Dr. Kross suggested asking yourself, “Is what I’m doing making me feel better about the problem in front of me? Is this issue still a concern after I take some time away from it?”
If you find that shifting your focus brings you relief and your concerns don’t resurface down the road, that counts as working. You might say something regrettable at a party, for instance, but instead of worrying about it, you distract yourself by watching funny videos that night.
If, however, you find that you can’t stop ruminating, are regularly shutting down with things like drugs or alcohol or are constantly seeking reassurance about your evasive behavior, he said, avoidance is not working.
Talk to yourself in the second person.
When we use the word “you,” it is almost exclusively to refer to other people, Dr. Kross said. But when you use it on yourself, it’s a tactic known as distanced self-talk, which can be a powerful way to regulate negative emotions.
In a 2017 study, Dr. Kross and his colleagues found that people who used distanced self-talk to regulate their feelings showed signs of feeling better within seconds.
So instead of saying “I’m stressed out,” which may cause your heart to race, tell yourself “you’re stressed out,” he said. This casts you in the role of “someone else,” and may help you feel more compassion and empathy.
“This slightly weird, seemingly tiny linguistic shift is consequential,” he writes.
Your senses are an emotional superpower.
Dr. Kross’s research has found that some of “the most effortless” tools that you can use to shift your emotions are sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste.
Our brains respond almost instantly to sensory experiences — and we can use our senses as “emotional levers” to change our mood, Dr. Kross said. He calls our sense of touch, for example, a “neural bullet train.” When touch is “affectionate, but not creepy,” he said, it swiftly activates a positive, mood-enhancing response.
If, for example, you’re feeling upset after a bad day, getting a hug or patting a dog can reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol. And research suggests sniffing a pleasant scent like coffee can reduce stress. So can viewing a photo of a nature scene.
You can also intentionally use music to regulate your emotions. Dr. Kross said that he now sees his car radio as an “emotion regulation machine” that provides infinite options to shift his mood. And he admitted that the playlist he assembled to get him revved up included the song “Don’t Stop Believin’,” by Journey.
When it comes to using these strategies, Dr. Kross cautioned that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. “Different tools for different people in different situations,” he said. In his case, “a cheesy ’80s song is one of the tools I use,” he said: “Don’t judge.”
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