Niara Sterling is a D.J. living in Brooklyn who frequently travels to different cities and countries to perform in front of thousands of guests at parties, concerts and other events.
In her last relationship, she shared her phone location with her girlfriend, as well as with a few close friends and family members — and didn’t think twice about it. She and her ex, a fellow female D.J., both frequently worked at night, so knowing where they each were afforded some peace of mind in case of an emergency.
“God forbid something happens, you can find my location,” said Ms. Sterling, 30. “I also think I didn’t mind it because we had an honest relationship. I didn’t have anything to hide; we lived together already anyway.”
Since Apple’s location-sharing app Find My debuted more than a decade ago, it has become widely used as a way not only to keep tabs on your devices, children or luggage, but also to check in on your romantic partner. But the app, which can be used to prioritize your closest friends above other acquaintances, can also complicate dynamics within friend groups.
So it’s no surprise that the use of Find My — and similar location-sharing apps — is popular among those in romantic relationships. In many ways, the Find My app has become a way to signal that your relationship is official, much as users would give a partner pride of place in their Myspace Top 8, change their status on Facebook to “In a Relationship” or hard launch on Instagram.
But while there are those who see Find My as a helpful tool when coordinating plans or preparing for emergencies, others find it to be controlling and intrusive.
“If you’re just checking it throughout the day and keeping tabs on me and texting me about it, that’s weird,” Ms. Sterling said. “I feel like you’re abusing that access that you have.”
“That would cause me to want to cut it off,” she said.
Irina Firstein, a couples counselor in New York City, said she generally didn’t think it was healthy for new couples or people who were not in long-distance relationships to make location sharing a requirement.
“It’s a privacy issue,” she said. “Like, I’m a separate person who has the right to live and exist and function in the world without somebody watching me, even if I have nothing to hide.”
According to Ms. Firstein, if both people agree that they want to share real-time location data, then it’s generally OK. But she said she was nonetheless suspicious of cases in which there isn’t a clear explanation as to why it’s necessary — especially if one person is uncomfortable with the idea. That can be an indication that there are underlying insecurities at play.
“Whether you’re controlling your own anxieties and fears, or you’re controlling the other person’s,” Ms. Firstein said, “there has to be a really good, solid reason, because whatever the feelings that are driving it, those feelings need to be addressed and dealt with.”
Josh Guttman, 30, a film critic in Manhattan, has been sharing his location with his girlfriend since they started dating when she was living in Hillsdale, N.J. Tracking each other was a helpful way to navigate when she would visit him in the city, and the arrangement evolved organically.
“For us, specifically, it was just sheer practicality,” he said, adding, “I do know the whole tracking-your-location thing is becoming a trend in some relationships, and I find it, as a concept, very creepy.”
Mr. Guttman pointed to what he described as a larger issue with the “technological validation” that many require in their relationships. People’s relationships with technology have become so aggressive, he said, that romantic dynamics can depend “on the technological relationship just as much as the in-person relationship.”
Matthew Bell, a therapist in Chicago, said the topic of location sharing has come up with clients. He said that when someone is asking a partner for that information, it’s important for both parties to first talk about trust and accountability in the relationship. He has noticed that location sharing is often used as a way to circumvent these conversations.
Before demanding your partner’s location to ease your own insecurities, Mr. Bell added, it’s important to unpack those feelings.
“When you’re first adding or establishing that dynamic, what’s the notion that it’s coming from?” he asked.
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