The first time Steve Bennet-Martin was sober while having sex with his husband, the couple had already been together for eight years.
“It’s not that every time I was wasted, or every time I was stoned out of my mind,” Mr. Bennet-Martin, 38, said. “But there was always a little bit of something to help ease the insecurities, the fear, the shame that I had associated with sex.”
After years of trying and failing to moderate his drinking, he began attending 12-step meetings in 2021 and has been sober since.
But in those early days of recovery, sex felt “awkward and uncomfortable,” Mr. Bennet-Martin said — even with his trusted, longtime partner. “It was very much like I was a virgin again.”
As researchers and health officials sound the alarm about the negative health effects of even moderate drinking, many people are dabbling in sober curiosity or abstaining from alcohol altogether. Cutting back affects not only traditional markers of health like blood pressure or cancer risk. Experts say it can alter people’s sex lives, leading to changes that may take some time to get used to — even for moderate drinkers.
“When you’re not numbing out with substances and suddenly you’re face to face with somebody you want to be sexual with, that can be really scary at first,” said Laura Rademacher, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Minneapolis who offers a class on sober sex in her practice.
Sober sex can have big payoffs, too, Ms. Rademacher said. She and other experts in intimacy and substance use offered insight into how to approach intimacy without alcohol.
Letting Go of ‘Liquid Courage’
There isn’t much research on how alcohol affects people’s sex lives, but the existing studies tend to suggest a pattern: A little bit of alcohol may help increase arousal and decrease inhibitions, but large amounts can make it much more difficult to feel aroused or experience orgasm.
Casey Tanner, a sex therapist in New York City, said that while some of her clients immediately felt greater pleasure and satisfaction during sober sex, others found it took months for their sex lives to stabilize. It’s not uncommon for newly sober people to feel self-conscious about initiating sex or to have their frequency take a nosedive, she said.
That was the case for Tawny Lara, 39, the author of the self-help book “Dry Humping,” who stopped drinking in 2015.
“I was so reliant on liquid courage for confidence,” she said. “Before I got sober I was a binge-drinking party-girl bartender. The stereotype you’re picturing in your head is exactly what I was. So I met a lot of my dates and hookups and relationships in the bar.”
When she got sober, Ms. Lara did not have sex for about six months. She went to therapy. She was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and began medication to help treat both. She “got in touch” with her bisexuality, she said.
“It’s not that sex got better quickly,” Ms. Lara said. “But it got more honest. I remember when I first had sober sex, I was thinking: ‘OK, this is when you start the production! Start faking the orgasm!’ And I didn’t do that.”
A Learning Process
Jeanette Hu, a therapist and sobriety coach in San Francisco, said that those who are in recovery or trying to drink less might need to “learn” how to have sex without alcohol. (That was her experience when she quit drinking, she said.)
“Know that at the beginning, feeling a little bit of awkwardness, a little bit of discomfort, that’s normal,” she said. “Because you are learning something new. You’re learning yourself. You’re learning your partner.”
Ms. Tanner noted that getting in the mood without leaning on alcohol could be particularly challenging. Her advice: Pay attention to the situations or contexts that can help you feel desire, she said. For instance, are there times of the day when you tend to feel more relaxed and open? Take advantage of those windows.
Ms. Tanner and other therapists emphasized that you don’t have to have a problem with alcohol to benefit from examining how it affects your sex life. She recommended asking questions like: When was the last time I had sex without alcohol or another substance? When I think about initiating sex while sober, do any fears or feelings of anxiety come up?
For Mr. Bennet-Martin, getting comfortable with sober sex took time. He found support in 12-step meetings and started a podcast that has helped him connect with others who identify as queer and sober. He wrote out what his dream sex life with his husband would entail — how often, who would initiate and so on.
“It didn’t feel sexy at first,” Mr. Bennet-Martin admitted. “It felt really uncomfortable.” The pair also went to couples therapy, which helped.
Mr. Bennet-Martin has had to learn to be honest about what he wants and enjoys during sex and question why he thought he couldn’t acknowledge or express those desires before.
Now, however? He and his husband are having “better sex, better intimacy and better connection,” he said, “in and out of the bedroom.”
The post The Joy — and Awkwardness — of Sober Sex appeared first on New York Times.
