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A Failure to Communicate
I work in a small, close-knit, diverse team in a large health care organization. We have worked well together for years and have occasionally, and happily, socialized together outside of work. Recently there has been a marked cooling between two of my colleagues. They had a scuffle over an office-related issue (parking), which probably would not have been a big deal, but then one of them (P) trash talked the other (Q) in Spanish to another Spanish-speaking colleague. The issue is that this happened right in front of Q, who understands Spanish, which was not known by P. I want to tell P that Q understands Spanish. I worry more will be said in this way, leading to more hard feelings. Is it OK to lean in like this?
— Anonymous
This feels a little like an “A-story” in an NBC sitcom. (I’d call the episode “Mind Your P’s and Q’s.”) In fact, when I ran your question by my editor, his response was: “Love in-office fighting!” I love it as well … when I’m not the subject of it, of course. But I will dispense with the amusement because the reality is this isn’t a situation comedy but a situation — awkward! — and one I’m interested in tackling.
First things first: Parking. You may think it’s not a big deal, but it’s an issue for a fair number of us, and not just in the context of the workplace. (I live in Los Angeles.) Of course, it’s possible, even likely, that the bad vibes that resulted from the parking fracas are evidence of a deeper conflict between your two colleagues. But sometimes a parking space is just a parking space.
A few observations and opinions.
No. 1: That Q understands Spanish heightens the stakes in this scenario, but it’s also secondary. The bigger issue is that P decided it was OK to trash talk a colleague in front of that colleague in the first place.
No. 2: See above. (I can’t stress enough how inappropriate this was.)
Here’s where you come in. You’re wondering whether you should tell P that Q understood what P had to say. I have a few questions for you: Do you worry that more tension will arise if you do tell? Or do you worry that P will continue to trash talk Q because P is unaware that Q understands Spanish? Or is it a little of both? Listen, in a perfect world, P would be horrified and embarrassed to know that Q understood everything. But then again, P felt comfortable enough to trash talk Q in front of Q in the first place. So maybe all bets are off.
I have another question: How close are you to these two? It sounds like you’re at a bit of a remove because you describe your socialization with P outside of work as being “occasional.” This complicates things, because it may appear (to P) that you’re picking sides in a matter that is actually outside your scope. That said, it couldn’t hurt to give P a quiet heads-up about Q’s literacy in Spanish. You could say something like, “I just wanted you to know that I think Q’s feelings were hurt the other day (week, month, year) when you complained about the parking situation. Q understands Spanish, you know.”
P can take it from there and decide whether to offer Q an apology or keep any complaints private, no matter the lingua franca. As for Q, I don’t think there’s anything you can, or need, to do or say. (In the sitcom version, the stakes are heightened after Q leaves a note that says “Hablo Español” on the windshield of P’s car. Unsigned.)
After all, it happened, and if it happens again, well, Q might be moved to act unprompted, whether in public or in private. I hope this answers your questions. (De nada.)
Too Outspoken for a Potential Employer?
I am writing for advice on how — or if — I should approach a sensitive situation with a former colleague, a young woman, who has been struggling to find a job. After a successful decade with a well-known entertainment app, she has been searching for a new role, but without success. She has worked her considerable network and applied for scores of jobs but rarely gets an interview. She is bright, hard-working, inventive and diligent. I’ve reviewed her cover letter at her request and noticed she included an obscenity. I wonder if it might be better replaced with something more neutral that doesn’t risk offending potential employers and clients. But perhaps I am an old fuddy-duddy.
Additionally, she is quite vocal on social media, regularly posting strong liberal political opinions and often adding, “If you don’t agree, we can’t be friends.” I know many young people believe they have an absolute right to express themselves as they wish, but my generation believed that we likewise had the right not to hire someone who would be ineffective with colleagues, clients and donors. I am concerned that these habits may be impacting her job search, especially since we live in a very conservative area. I retired after 40 years in nonprofit work, so perhaps I’m out of touch in thinking that roles requiring relationship management benefit from what we might have once called discretion. Is this advice appropriate, or might it overstep a line?
— Anonymous
Maybe I’m an old fuddy-duddy as well, because I agree with your assertion that an obscenity has no place in a cover letter, and that it’s very possible, even likely, that it’s turning off potential employers. (I’m dying to know what the obscenity is.) I also agree with you that your former colleague’s behavior on social media could be a major issue in terms of what is holding her back from securing a new job, or even an interview. As someone who has worked as a manager (and expressed strong opinions publicly), I am well aware that what gets said online can result in agita offline, and that we have to strike a balance between staying true to ourselves and offering up opinions that may reflect badly on our professional reputation or provide potential ammunition to a competitor or adversary.
In short: Your former co-worker needs to cut this [obscenity redacted] out. As for how to tell her? Ask how the job search is going and offer to review her cover letter again, or just go ahead and express your concern about the obscenity. Even though she’s worked at the intersection of entertainment and technology, industries that attract younger workers who take a more casual, maybe even liberal, approach to everything from workplace attire to off-hours activism, engaging in loose language (and in a cover letter, to boot!) might come across as not only inappropriate but overly familiar. It’s also likely that her cover letter is being reviewed by someone in a company’s human resources department, a someone who might also be reviewing your former colleague’s social media presence, and finds him or herself turned off by the stridency.
I have some sympathy for this woman’s openness on social media. She does have the right to express herself as she wishes. But, as you so eloquently point out, potential employers also have the right to dismiss her as someone they shouldn’t even consider hiring. I mean: What happens if she decides to trash talk a current employer on social media when something goes wrong at work? That would be the first of many concerns for me as a hiring manager.
The thing is, and because you don’t describe this person as a “friend,” I’d avoid bringing up the issue of her behavior on social media. At least not at first. Doing so might get her hackles up. But you might want to consider offering her some more general advice in the form of a little white lie: Tell her that you recently heard a hiring manager mention being turned off by the tone (and the frequency) of a potential employee’s online postings. Not only were the postings too political, they were too prolific, causing concern that the job seeker’s attentions were directed more toward opining online than getting actual work done. Your former colleague can take this in and do with it what she wants. And she can’t say you didn’t warn her.
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